i'm sure no one even comes to check on this spot.
but it's still here.
and i promise in '07 i'm going to USE it!
it's about time i had a real site. been paying hosting and domain fees for going on SIX years.
time to make it worth the money i spend... and make things happen.
keep checking back. you may be surprised one day...
today, instead of giving in to my sadness, i did something for me.
if you pay any attention to what goes on over at the other blog, you know that i am going through a loss of a personal sort. and basically, as of late i havent felt like doing anything. my feelings are HURT. my heart is BROKEN. and i feel wholly responsible for everything. even though some people are of the opinion that i am not the only one at fault.
*sigh*
but anyway... for the past few weeks, events have taken a turn for the worse, potential friendships have been tested and FAILED. love that i treasured was lost, possibly for good. and of course, such things triggered my innate tendencies toward depression. and for a moment, i wont lie i was SEVERELY depressed.
today, i took a step toward the positive.
i thought about it. i mean REALLY thought about it. SHE may be sad sometimes, but she never shows it. SHE is not letting the situation take over her life. SHE is going ahead with her plans for her future. SHE is not letting this hold her back.
so i decided that i wouldnt either.
i'm going back to school :)
july the 10th will be my first day if all goes well. and i can put all this energy into something positive, something for MY future. something i actually have control over, and can make happen for me.
stop letting things happen to you. MAKE things happen.
AIW --
here.
i.
come.
!!!
i know now what my daddy was always tryin to tell me when i was growing up.
when you leave home, you are leaving behind all the people in the world who truly love you.
he used to tell me that all the time, and every time he did, i thought that he was just being mean, or cynical. but now i know, there is NO love out in these streets. NONE. and your family is really the only safety net you'll ever have.
they may have their issues, we may not always agree. but my family is ALWAYS there for me, they always have my back. and for that, i love them.
my life is changing so rapidly, i cant keep up with it anymore. never once when i decided to start out on this new adventure did i ever think things would change this much. but they have.
i used to live my life in seclusion. the only significant milestones in my life were new sims expansion packs. i stayed in my shell, and never once ventured out to explore life. i was always too afraid of rejection, always afraid that i wouldnt fit in. based on past experiences, i thought i would never find a place in the world for me.
but now...
do you know how many days its been since i downloaded any sims stuff? well... i just downloaded some stuff, but before that, it had been a LONG time. i am so busy these days, i never really have time to play the game. i cant keep up anymore. simulated life is still fun--- but REAL life has finally taken the top priority. and while i DO miss my lil simmies --- i am glad.
these days i am having the time of my life. i have seen more movies in the past month than i have in the previous four years. i am meeting new people successfully and without drama. well, MINIMAL drama. not enough to complain about.
i finally have a life.
not an online life. or a sims version of life. but a REAL 3D, flesh and blood life. and it feels good.
as for the previous events, i unpublished a few entries because well, i want to put that part of my life behind me now.
i have learned a lot from that last experience. that my idea of friendship and the committment that it entails for me is NOT the same way other people view friendships. i've learned that people often dont care as much about the feelings of others as they do about their own.
i've also learned that people have breaking points. that sometimes you can put so much on someone, even a friend and it can be more than they can bear. but the difference between a friend and any other person on the planet is that a friend will handle it with love. there may be anger involved, but it isnt the kind of anger that seeks to destroy. i've felt that anger, that frustration. it's bourne out of love and the inability to change circumstances. i feel it now, and it's the most unsettling discomfort. you cant do anything to change what has happened, no matter how much you want to.
i guess the answer i am looking for now is, can that same anger be transformed into that seek and destroy anger, if the person is a true friend?
for me, it cant. for as much as i want to hate the people involved, as much as i want to be angry, i cant. some people think this is stupid, but you know, if either of them EVER needed anything from me, i would still have a heart to give it to them. mind you, i would think twice about it. but it would still be in my heart to do anything i could for them. that's just how i am.
i realized that i put a lot more faith in people than they deserve. i think a lot more of people than they deserve. and because of these expectations, i often find myself disappointed when they turn out to be less than i imagined. so i am not going to do that anymore. i used to think that people who lived life at face value were shallow and uncaring. but now i know, it's not about lack of compassion, it's about survival and expecting every possible outcome. you cant really prepare yourself for the worst if all you're ever looking for is the best. and it doesnt pay to be so concerned with trying to find the best in someone that you ignore the crazy ass stuff that is going on in the background.
so while i do miss the folks who got left behind, i refuse to let their memory rob me of a promising realtionship with the rest of the world.
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